Time to move on: 7 things to consider before staying

Since a very young age I've known that at some point you have to let go and move on to the next one. As we get older sometimes we forget this lesson and want to hold on to what is not there anymore. Now I always believe in working things out in a marriage because that is a commitment that has been made but in life we never always get it right the first time. Hopefully these facts will keep you from getting down that path.

 

Are you told that the person your with is not right for you? How many times do you have to go over the same information for it to be understood? Do you both even want children? These are questions often forgotten in the path of the relationship for the sake of holding on to a relationship. Here are a few facts to consider to see if its time to move on:

 

1. Still having fun: Are you and your significant other still finding time to enjoy life with each other? Many couples can find themselves caught up in the whirlwind of life but still find time for a few minutes of fun with each other. If you have notice even when you are trying to have fun together it feels more like work or can no longer agree what is fun. This may be a sign you have differences that can lead to a break up.
2. Leave your message after the beep: Find yourself leaving more voicemails then talking to the person? You shouldn't have to always listen to a voicemail box message to hear your partners voice. Another flashing signal in here is if the number of rings decreases to get to the voicemail. This also goes for text messages or Facebook messages. You should never have more than 3 to 1 ratio in messages before its time to be concerned it might be time to move on to the next one.
3. Stuck on replay: Have you found that you live in the past more than the present or future? In a relationship you will build so many great memories but you can't create new memories living in the old memories forever. If your significant other is too worried about your past to create a future they may not be the special one.
4. Repeat Repeat Repeat: How many times can you go over the same issue and it not change? So, this is a big one for me. When you find your partner is told the same thing that offends you more than 5 times there might be an issue. There is a red flag if they can not follow the fact you get upset when they do X but still continue to do it.... might be move on time. This goes the other way around as well because if you have to continue to enforce something you want to do and the other person ignores it... again might be move on time.
5. Holding on is holding you back: When the relationship that you are in begins to hold you back from other opportunities it might be time to move on. No relationship should keep you trapped. There are no glass ceilings in the relationships only upward support to the next level. If you are feeling trapped and can't get support its no longer the right person to build with in your life.
6. Sex not included: So, where to being with this subject? Well, if the person is planning on holding out to marriage and you can't wait then you may just be foolish. Sex should never be a determining factor in the relationship unless.... there is more too it then just sex. If your partner never pleases you in bed and you have tried to make it work then this might be something to consider over the long run. Now, just like all other facts listed you must weigh this on your own scale on how much it makes a difference. Sex should just be another expression of affection for each other but if you can no longer use this it may be time to have a talk.
7. No bun in the oven: At some point this should be in the conversation if you have gotten serious. If you want kids and the other person does not want kids then we have a disconnect. Don't waste time not finding this out early because you don't want to be down on one knee and telling the world how great of a provider and father you will be to her and the unborn child just to hear her say oh no I don't want kids. Same thing for women you do not want a man who can never make you a mother to say surprise I'm fixed and can't have kids on your wedding night...

So there are a few of signs/questions to consider when wanting to continue a relationship? Do you have more? Please share your signs or questions to consider below in the Comment box!! As always you have the options to email me or Facebook message me with questions or stories you would like to share.

 

"Trying to hold on to someone who does not want you is like trying to hold on to water"

 

DeAndre Littles

Women's Worth Wednesday

This week for my Woman's Worth Wednesday I thought I would discuss Loving yourself first. Do you feel less than worth it or less than the next woman? Many women find themselves always comparing themselves to the next woman because many men judge beauty by what is on the outside. To this I say stop!!! Do not be shackled to external features because if you use rotten apples with an apple pie it won't be seen until you dig in and take that first bite. Now, Loving yourself is more than dealing with the inside beauty and the outside beauty. Loving yourself first deals with being thankful for that you are given in life. There are so many alternative lives you could of been given that could be way worse. So find the things that make life worth living and be thankful for them in your life. Also a great post by someone acquaintance was believe in yourself and within there you will find a second inspirational line of Be You. This honestly spoke to me this morning and it fit so well with Loving yourself. If you believe in yourself and continue to be you than you will be just fine in life. So, one other point I wanted to share if nothing else is that if you are not happy with the you that you are because you are unhealthy or because medically you have had issues then make changes to your diet or workout. There is nothing that you can't accomplish in life if you make that choice.

Look inside today and find something to say this is why I am awesome!! Take a few seconds to even write them down and post them in your bathroom on your front door on your computer!!! Where ever you can read the message then put it there for you to always remind yourself YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING!!! Enjoy your Woman's Worth Wednesday!!!!

As always if you enjoy my writing please share a comment below or also follow me on here for updates :-)

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, always remember you have two eyes too"

 

DeAndre Littles

This is what a broken heart feels

As I always write to my readers this will be an honest moment from me to you. Do you know what it feels to have your heart hurting. Do you know the pain of deceit? I do I know it all to well... I've been hurt so many times by friends, associates, and co-workers. My heart aches to be relieved of this pain I feel... When someone pours their heart to you don't let it be poured in vain. If the person is vulnerable enough to share with you the feelings they have just say something. Good or bad is better than nothing at all.... The heart wants what it wants in life and no matter what you do to control the heart it will still decide what is best.. As I lay my feelings in the wind it feels as if it is a drift among the feelings of other who have had their heart broken and can't shed a tear because like me they are all cried out for this lifetime. Never shall they express a heart felt message that will help others but they will feel bitter sweet as people tell them that they care about them. I always try to tell the truth and lay it all on the line with my feelings and true emotions but I can't help but cry when I feel so lost in the mist of the unknown. I tried to be honest about how I am to the world but you don't understand. I've told my wife how I feel and she understood there is an underlying desire in my heart but no one will ever understand me. I'm a lost heart in search of healing than can only be found in love.... I love my wife and I would never leave her but this is something different that I can't quite put my finger on but I know it exist. You had your chance and now its gone because I'm just a number in your book and never a true name.... This is a post for the forgotten and unloved because I will love you when no one else will.....

3 Basic Tips To Improve Your Relationships

No one is perfect and sometimes we just need a refresher on building a better relationship. If you don't continue to learn  on how to be a better partner how you can you expect your love and relationship to grow further?

 

 

Are you looking for a quick fix to building a relationship? Do you desire to just read an article and become able to have the best relationship ever? Well, you will never hear from me that there is a quick fix to any relationship. This as all other things I write are tools to help in nurturing the relationship seed. What will you read today will help you in building a strong connection with you significant other. Below will be 3 tips to make an improvement or just give a refresher on the basics.

 

 

1. Make time for what you want:   One of my most basic principle to relationships is that we as a society make time for what we want in life. Learn to set time aside for a date or to celebrate your relationship in someway. No one will make time happen for your relationship because they are to busy making time for their own relationships. Be proactive in making time  to see each other alone at least once a week to give you quality time
2. Kiss each other:    How long has it been since you and your significant really kissed each other on a regular basis. Make sure you express love through kissing not only because it is good for the health of your relationship but there have been reports that can be found online that recommends kissing is essential to your physical health from lowering blood pressure to bringing up your happy hormones. So make sure you lock lips with your significant other and let them know you are looking out for their health.
3. Open communication:   Many couples start out telling each other about themselves because the other person doesn't know much about them in the beginning. Once the relationship develops we forget that we have evolved as well. So keep communicating with each other with new likes and dislikes. Just like relationships change and grow so does the partner so set aside time to sit and have open dialogue with your significant other and just talk about whatever is on your mind. Make sure you turn off all televisions, electronic devices, and avoid any other distraction. If you would like to keep notes on what you both talk about that can be helpful sometimes because you can reference back to something said later on to avoid conflicts or buy a special gift based on new likes.

 

 

Did you find these tips helpful? Were you already doing this in your current relationship? Would you like to see more tips like this? Please comment below and let me know if this was good basic tips. Feel free to express yourself through a comment just make sure you are respectful. As always if you prefer to stay anonymous send me a message on Facebook or email me.

 

 

 

"A small change can make all the difference in the world"

 

DeAndre Littles



5 simple ways to tell you don't have a gentleman

Even at the age of 10 I knew what it took to be a true gentleman. It amazes me that men who 18+ still just don't get the basics. I thought today that this would be a good time to put them on notice. If your guy falls a little short on this list don't worry. Now, if he misses the list completely then I would say its time to start requiring more from him.

 

 

Do you ever look at older movies and watch the car door be open for women back then and wonder why your significant other doesn't do that for you? Have you ever caught yourself walking through a door that wasn't held open for you as your significant other walked through it? Wonder why you are still going Dutch or paying for dinner in that relationship? Could it be time to open your eyes to see the truth? How do you know? Here are 5 simple ways to tell your guy just isn't a gentleman.

 

5 Simple ways to tell you don't have a gentleman

 

1. You guy is not self sufficient: Ever notice that your guy can't cook, clean, repair or provide any real adult fashion for themselves. Gentlemen know how to provide for themselves no matter what the situation they are in currently. Now let me clarify by cooking I do not mean he can put something in the microwave and he does not have to be able to cook a 5 course meal but he should be able to make a decent meal for himself. When I say cleaning I mean I don't mean just taking out trash or cleaning dishes but being able to wash clothes and help organize the home.
2. Your guy doesn't understands gifts: Does your significant other give flowers only when they do something wrong or just because its a holiday? Does he give you gifts just because its Wednesday? Your significant other should be to understand expressing Love or emotions through a proper gift that he gives you. All gifts should have a meaning and shouldn't be frivolously given out without some indication of the meaning of the gift.
3.  Your guy doesn't treat elder women like his mother or grandmother: Does your significant other treat women older than himself with the respect they deserve? When they see older women around themselves do they choose to curve their language or assist them when the opportunity present itself. As you get older they would expect a younger man to respect you as they do themselves. This should not be taken lightly because if you notice this now this may be how they treat you in the future themselves.
4.  Your guy doesn't defends your honor: When you are in a social setting does your significant other stand up for you? If he doesn't do it while you are standing there most likely he allows others to disrespect you without you being present. If you know your significant other allows certain conversation to happen in front of you, such as talking about your sex life or how other women look better, that is an issue.
5. Your guy doesn't open and hold doors for women: When is the last time there was a door held open for you or a car door opened to escort you to your destination. This is not something that has gone out of style but seems many men have forgotten this basic step. I have seen men run to the door just to avoid holding the door open for a lady. If he does not open the car door for you every time that is not terrible because honestly it will not happen all the time but their should be an attempt made at least when you are headed on a date.

 

 Have you ever notice any of this happening in your relationships? Does it only start out that way and slowly goes away day by day? What would you say are other signs that you noticed that are not listed? Please share a comment with your thoughts.

 

 

"Sometimes you have to open both eyes to see the truth" 

DeAndre Littles

Women's Worth Wednesday

Wednesday will from now on be my woman's worth Wednesday. This will be a day to show honor to the women in my life and talk about a woman's worth. So, I decided to write this first entry about a woman's true worth.

So many woman do not know their worth it is kind of sad to me. This spoke to me because I used to be a womanizer in my life. I would go from woman to woman and never cared about how they felt and they allowed me to do it because they never knew their worth. I eventually grew out of that phase of my life and reflect on the pain I caused to them and myself. I know a true woman's worth since I am a husband and father now. These were life changing factors to me ( I would say men but I know men out there having 5 and 6 different women as their children's mother and do not let it effect them). I look at women through different eyes and want to explain how all women should know their worth. As a woman do you look in the mirror and wonder how come you don't look as beautiful as the next woman? I am sure some of you will say Yes and some will say No. For the woman who say No good for you. You appear to not care about what others look like and that is the first step into understanding your worth. For the women who said Yes then I want you to take another look at that mirror and find all your beautiful things about yourself. Do you have beautiful long or short hair? Do you have a smile that could light up a room? Do you have eyes that lead into a beautiful soul? I'm sure you do because I see it whenever I look at women around me. Now, I can tell you everyday all day that you are beautiful, of course I will continue too, but it will not matter unless you can see it as well. You beautiful women deserve a special thank you from all men around you because with out a beautiful woman in their life then they wouldn't exist. Take time for yourself to appreciate yourself. If that is getting your nails done, hair done, or just taking a picture of yourself do it. Show yourself some self appreciation because you deserve it. Always know that if no man has ever told you were beautiful I will tell you right now that you are beautiful to me. Have I seen you? Maybe or maybe not? That doesn't matter to me because if I saw you I would see the beauty in God's work. If you are in a relationship or when you are in your next relationship make sure your significant other understands your worth. What I mean by this is to say when you plan on being with someone let them know you are worth the wait. Whatever your wait is that is for you to decide. If it is waiting on you while you prepare for an evening/date, or even if it is sex. No man ever has the right to tell you when to be ready for something that you are not ready for because you worth more than life it self.


Do you ever feel like you aren't good as the next woman? Do you think you now your true worth? Write me or leave a comment below and tell me what your worth is to you.

"Love yourself and the rest of the world will Love you too"

 

DeAndre Littles

Secret life of Good Man

I wanted to share something for my readers that I thought they might like to read which is an insight to Good Men. First do I consider myself to be a Good Man, sure. We men lead simple but yet complicated lives just like women do on a everyday basis. We have hopes and dreams that we may never accomplish and get disappointed when we don't obtain them. We also look in the mirror and sometimes do not like what we see and want to cry that we are not more like the next guy. We look at the media and other things and will find we feel as though we fall short of being better. We Good Men are just like you Good Women out there who are searching to find ourselves and other half. Many times we go searching for Love to fall short of your expectation and get rejected. We wonder what you are thinking at times because we can be just as insecure as you are about yourselves. We want to be perfect for you and hope you find it in your heart to Love us. We have been programmed many times to not let you in because we have that fear of not being loved back or being seen as weaker. Many of the clichés of being a "Real Man" have influenced us to be the way we are in life. We try to find what works for us and go for what we know will hopefully lead to you at least showing us some interest. Good Men out there lead normal lives like everyone else but feel like we are passed over for someone who will never Love you as much as we will. I know many times I felt like that until I got married to my wife who Loves me for some crazy reason. We Love hard just like you do and will put our all into the person with the hopes of a small kiss, hug, or little sign of Love at the end of the day. We want what you want in life but you do not see us like we are invisible. We Good Men are still out there but are built by your Love you put into us to be better men. Ever wonder why a guy always wakes up and tells you Good Morning... its because you were the last thing he thought of when he went to sleep and the first thing we think of when we wake up in the morning. We are thankful you are in our lives even though you are just our friend and dating some other guy who does not appreciate you as much as we do. We are the one you talk to when you are upset because we are one of the few men in your life who will understand or want a males perspective. We do all that we can for you to see us but you choose to be blind to the qualities we have to be the friend and lover you want in your life. We feel like cellophane to all women because they see right through us to someone less worthy. We are afraid to say something because we are likely to be told you rather be friend and it hurts our hearts to be unloved the way we want to Love you. You spend all day complaining we do not exist until we found someone who gave us an opportunity and we find out they are better for us and then complain all the "Good Men" are taken. You will find us everywhere in Church, Grocery store, or even in the club. Not all men who go to church are good men and not all men who go to the Club are bad men you just have to open your mind and your heart to find the real ones who are Good Men. To give some personal side of myself in this secret life of a Good Man. I probably have been a friend or associate of over 1,000 women in my life. I have seen women date men who were dating them for all the wrong reasons and I have seen women date men because they showed them a little attention. I have shed tears over a woman. I found myself at one point so lost that I began acting like less than a Good Man would act just to find it did not make me happy. I know Good Men who are around me all the time and would give the world to a woman but instead they continue to just be that friend. Now let me clarify we as Good Men Love our friendship and we know the importance of our role but wish a lot of times you would open your eyes and see us for what we really can be to you. Ask your best guy friend sometime if he has ever been attracted to you or wish you ever dated? If his answer is anything less than yes then more than likely he is lying to you because all of us have been there with a best friend or good friend who is female and had that hope of being more than we are to you.

Do we Good Men live in secret? Not really. Its just hard for us to be seen sometimes. Open your eyes and look through your heart and maybe you will see the Good Men out there in your life.

As always feel free to email me or Facebook me. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I Love writing this. Please comment and let me know you stopped by Good or Bad I love hearing from my readers.

"Good guys always finish last, only because we are holding the door open for a Good Woman"

 

DeAndre Littles

Holding On To Mr. Wrong

I received an email from a young lady who asks:

Dear DeAndre,

My question for you will be...Will a man hold in his feelings of love in fear of expressing them and not getting the response he wants? Also, if that's the case, how do you get that man to release those emotions of past relationships and that fear of being rejected? And other question!!! How long is long enough to (what I call) "test the waters" with someone before you will begin to feel as if he/she is evading the issue or avoiding commitment?

First thank you for your question it is one many readers can relate to in their lives. So, I guess the best way to answer your first part would be that men always hold on to feelings. Now do guys admit to be emotional as women [NOPE] but will they ever express in ways that are subtle yes. If a guy finds a woman he wants he will either be an openly tell all guy. Which this is what I like to call "Mr. Open Book". These guys will tell you their life story because they are in touch with their emotions. These men will many times be good partners because they don't have secrets but don't let them in too quick because not all open books are good reads. These men sometimes share because it will make you drop your guard so you become an easier target. Now, the other side to that perspective are the guys who hold on to emotions and don't release them. These men are what I like to call "Poker Players". These men hold all their cards and will not let on what they are holding. They could be holding a bad relationship and keeping their guard up to not get hurt again or they could be holding on to nothing but want you to think they have something to drag you in for an easier target. Now in between are your good guys who are probably close to what your talking about in that they are afraid to share because of past relationship issues. He will hang on to this until he can find that you are equally willing to be hurt in a relationship. He does not want to throw in his all because he can not take another failed relationship. With him I would suggest finding small things to open up about in your relationship and in your past relationship(s). This will allow him to find a common ground and will give him the ability to empathize about your situation and share his own stories. No one likes rejection from another person but if both people are guarded and will not be the first to let down their guard and be open you will never get anywhere with your budding seed of relationship.

To your next point about "testing the waters" I would say as along as your willing. If your committed and he is not do not allow that to stop you from exploring other options (depending how committed you are of course). No one wants to feel the pain of being strung along with the end results the other person walks away with someone else. Discuss where you are and where you want to be with your partner. If they can't give a solid statement or a genuine response then it could be a sign of something is wrong. It could be that the person does not want to commit because they do not think you are truly all in for the relationship. The other side to this is they do not have any intention to commit because they are not ready for something long term. These guys most time will talk around the subject or avoid it all together because they will say things like "Why ruin something that isn't broken" or "I'm too young to commit" which neither are true. I say take what you can bare but not end up losing who you are as a woman or allow it to effect you in meeting the right person.

Well I hope this answers your questions. Thank you again for submitting your question I have enjoyed thinking and writing notes to answer the questions. For anyone who had a subject or question to bring up please feel free to email me.

Email: DLITT018@gmail.com or find me on Facebook and send me a message. (Please note if you prefer to be anonymous)

"Real Love is not a story because it has a beginning, a middle, but No End...."

DeAndre Littles
 

Does He Love Me or Does He Not

Good Morning just wanted to take time to talk about love in a relationship this morning. The subject of love is always so hard for many of us to understand and many of us may never truly understand it. The real question many of my friends ask me about is does he really love me?

I write about things I know and things that I understand and this is one subject [LOVE] that I continue to try to explain. So to put things simply for my readers I say you will always know when someone truly loves you. Many people will ask well how do I simply just know? Well, ask yourself does he show signs that he loves you or does he just like you. When looking for these signs most times it something within your heart you have to search. Love from a man comes from his inner emotion and when a man is in his emotion nothing else matters. Love from a real man will show through his action because the cliché goes action speak louder than words. It is so easy to hear a man tells you he loves you but if he is not showing you in any actions of it then he might just only like you or something about you. Love is real tangible thing in life because you can feel it in a special touch that sends something all through your body. It is something you can see with your eyes that makes your heart get excited to see. You can even taste it in the kiss that he gives you at random moments. So many woman question a man's love because they have insecurities in themselves that doesn't allow them to accept the love he is giving. Love can go unspoken and it feel like you have heard it a million times. That will always happen when you have a true sense of love with someone. For those still questioning if he really loves you simply asked him. It may be hard to get an honest answer but look at him when he says it. Is there passion behind his words? Is there an uncertainty in the way he says it? You just might get your answer right there on the spot. Now if you have only known each other for a short period of time then when you hear someone say they Love you then it may mean they only Love things about you. Now I'm not hear to say that someone can't Love someone in an instance but Love is like a plant. It starts with a little seed and grows through care and attention. If you don't continue to do these things then that Love can die or will never have grown in the first place.

So do you think he Loves you? If you are still thinking about it then he just might Love you......


Just wanted to thank the person who sent in the question to me and wished to remain anonymous in my writing today. Good Question!!! I will continue to take questions from anyone who wants to send me them. DLITT018@gmail.com. Please follow and comment on the topic if you have some insight or questions

"Love is a simple thing that our brain always complicates"

 

DeAndre Littles

Love, Friendship, and Maybe Some Sex

Today I wanted to speak to a universal rule that many of have forgotten or never new. So here is the biggest secret to having a good relationship..... BE REAL FRIENDS FIRST. Wow, is it really that simple? Yes, honestly it is for everyone in the world to start as friends and find love in between. Imagine yourself staring off into the distance at a local club, bar, bookstore, or coffee shop etc. and you see this really attractive person. Do you walk over and A. Ask to have sex  B. Offer to purchase something for them C. Choose your best pick up line and go for it or D. State something you notice about them and bring up a conversation like your talking to any one of your friends. Answer is E. All the above. Surprised? Well guess what I'm not here to tell you exactly how  you will approach another person or what type of relationship you are seeking. What I am here for is to talk about love and building meaningful relationships. If you using answer (A.) then this might not be the story you want to read. Oh yeah there goes your sex part. So if you were expecting more then you can stop reading because we will get into some honesty in a moment. If you are ready for some honest information keep reading it gets even better. Now lets talk about the whole point of this and that's being friends and finding love.

What do you call someone you talk to on a regular basis and helps you when you need it. Hmmmm.... sounds like someone I might call a friend but of course we all have our own definitions so if my definition didn't work for you here is Webster's :

¹friend

noun \ˈfrend\

: a person who you like and enjoy being with

: a person who helps or supports someone or something



 

So what ever your definition just write it down. No seriously stop reading this for a few seconds and jot down what you believe is a true friend make sure you are honest. Don't worry I will wait................................ Alright now at this point you have all that written down all your wonderful points of how you see your ideal friend. Now lets have some more fun and write down the points of what you want in your soul mate. Yes, write down all the little details in what you want in that perfect person. Now while writing this you can be vain or shy or coy just however you feel be as honest as you were the first time when writing about a friend. So again take your time and I will wait................... Great now that your done lets compare the two lists. So with the notes about a friend you have written down a focus on the inner working of that person and how you want them to treat you. For most people you probably didn't describe the physical. If you did that's ok maybe you are just as picky about your relationships even when you are not dating the person. Now lets look at the notes of what you wrote down for the soul mate. There are probably some inner working pieces and may even have a few words from your friend notes. The difference is you probably use descriptive words that look at the physical nature of the person. Describing exactly how you want to please your eyes. There is a distinctive difference between the two list. One list you described out the majority of things that will never fade in a person and that's the inner working of that person. Who we are we will always be in life. No matter the environment we don't truly change because that's just who we are in life. The other list that we created listed off many things that will fade and be gone in time.... Your probably thinking where is this going at this point. Well, the point is why don't we focus on the list of things that don't fade and that is the characteristics of a friend. If we build our relationships first on what we learn about a person and learn what we want in a friend we will have better relationships. Think about it... how many bf/gf have you had in your lifetime I bet your friends know.... why because they have been there through all of those good/bad relationships. Now I understand beauty does matter because if you can not stand the sight of the person that might not work out overall with that person but sometimes you must look past the cover that doesn't appeal to us and find the real story inside. Now for the other part many of you are wondering in your mind.... Well, how do I not get stuck in the "friend zone"?

 

So lets first tackle what do I mean by "friend zone". So this friend zone is the area where you become engulfed with a friendship that you no longer wish to risk losing that friendship or you look at the person as not "your type". So, how do we avoid this often considered negative zone. Well first be open with a person and honest with that person. If you like someone, guess what it is actually ok for you to say you like them but DeAndre I've always been told that is not good to be forward with a person and tell them you like them. Here is a news flash for those who are stuck in Middle School and are probably still "pulling girls hair" to get their attention or the person who is still waiting for a guy to ask you to Prom. Guess what if your honest and they run for the hills that is probably not the person for you at this point in your life. This world would be a lot better off with a little more honesty from people. So if you tell someone you like them and they run then they saved you the trouble of wasting your time at this point in your life. Say THANK YOU! Honest, just say thank you for not wasting my time now you can say that I know we can focus on the things that matter which is our friendship. Now DeAndre the whole point of this is to avoid the friend zone. You are exactly right! Guess what you can do next... You can walk away from them and never speak again. Wait, how does that help me to build a relationship with a person? Exactly.... it doesn't! When you focus on trying to avoid the friend zone you are focused on the wrong thing. The friend zone is a great comfort zone for people to build real relationships with one another with no pressures of dating officially. Before I was married I got put in the friend zone by a million women. Guess what the one that I married put me there too because she didn't see relationship written all over my face. She saw this guy would like to get in my pants and make a run for it. She may have been right at that time but luckily I grew up and realized my friend was my soul mate. If you are still determined not to be put in the friend zone after all that I wrote here are some tips to avoid the common traps. Know how to command a conversation but doesn't mean do all the talking. What that means is for you is to learn what role better fits. Being someone who has desires for more that just friends. Now this may mean being the listener and learning about their past and what other have done to avoid the friend zone. This also may mean you have to be the talker and get the person involved in the conversation and making the conversation pieces about relationships. If you can master those two things then you have a good chance of avoiding the friend zone. One other thing to try is making the gesture a bf/gf would expect. This means men you need to be a strong gentlemen but with the right touch to it. Women this means acting like a true woman with the right touch.

 

Now to bring all of this together so that it makes sense. The point of the matter is being a friend first is a building block of great relationships. If you can learn to appreciate the friendship then when you become an item you will have a better chance at a successful relationship. Take time to get to know the inner workings because they are the part of the relationship that will carry you through the good and bad times in life. When you had your last up's and down's I bet there were friends waiting to help or had concern for you.

 

So now that I have put out my building blocks to relationships tell me what you think. Do you agree or disagree? Do the points bring up thoughts of successful and failed relationships? Write me and let me know how you feel below with an honest comment. If you have any questions around relationships please send them to dlitt018@gmail.com I'm open to discussing any topics within my blogs and keep information confidential.  

 

 

"Love your friends as you would your soul mate, you might just find out...... they just might be that person"

DeAndre Littles

Married and Friends: The exclusive we vs. inclusive we

So looking over the idea of friendship and marriage with a good friend it came to a point is there a point where in the relationship with your significant other and yourself there becomes a boundary. We have been friends for years and were more at one point but never crossed any lines while being in other relationships outside of friendship. We discussed feelings that have been there and came to terms with how our friendship is based on decisions we made in our lives, she is married as well as myself. I discussed wanting to be friends with her husband and likewise she become friends with my wife. She told me that her husband would want nothing to do with me in terms of friendship but my wife would have no issue with being friends with her or in general of meeting with her in a social aspect. This led me to think is there an exclusive we and inclusive we in marriage and in dealing with friendship.

With my wife and myself whenever we have friendships they mostly become mutual friends. We created a bond as friends so we share friendships of others in our lives. We believe in the inclusive we in our marriage because its easier for us to trust one another when we have met and understood the friendships and bonds we made before we became united. Lessons have been learned on my end when I would have an exclusion from her because then there is trust issue that arose in our friendship and marriage. I do not like to hide things from my wife because she is an understanding woman. I know there are a few friends and acquaintances she has not met who I've known for many years and some who are more acquaintances from work and daily life. I ask myself many times should I introduce this person who may not even be relevant in a few days... weeks.... or even months. I tell my friends all the time that it is easier to keep short term dealings to a minimum with people and do not cause issues at home for something that will not have a positive outcome when you bring it up at home. My 3 cents on this type of relationship is that it can be the better option for ease. Will this always work for everyone of course not. You have to make time to get to know other people and have to find a balance to still spend time with your original friends. The other option would be to be far more exclusive in choice with friendship.

The exclusive we friendship in marriage deals with your friends are your friends and my friends are my friends. My friend I spoke of at the beginning of this is far more into that choice. I think that this type of relationship is not the healthiest but it works for their marriage and keeps them sane. Do I think this can cause issues down the road when there is a friend who is an innocent friendship cause arguments because the amount of time spent talking to that person? I honestly do think that this will make things more difficult to explain and make some circumstances look like it is deceptive. My 3 cents on this type of relationship falls into the category of know your mate. If you know you can trust your mate with another person, male or female, and know that there will not be issues with them spending time with another person it will be ok. Be cautious in doing this because you never want to lose connection or miss opportunities to learn more about your mate. The friends they have many times can tell you more about that person that you did not know in just observing their interaction and what makes them smile or become sad with certain friends.

So to my readers I leave you with this.... where do you feel the balance in the exclusive we and inclusive we can fall in your life? Do you think that one is better than the other? Can you imagine a life with not knowing your partners friends or a relationship where you share all friendships?

 

"Love the inclusion and respect the exclusion... you will find happiness in both"

 

DeAndre AkA Professor