Monday, March 17, 2014

Holding On To Mr. Wrong

I received an email from a young lady who asks:

Dear DeAndre,

My question for you will be...Will a man hold in his feelings of love in fear of expressing them and not getting the response he wants? Also, if that's the case, how do you get that man to release those emotions of past relationships and that fear of being rejected? And other question!!! How long is long enough to (what I call) "test the waters" with someone before you will begin to feel as if he/she is evading the issue or avoiding commitment?

First thank you for your question it is one many readers can relate to in their lives. So, I guess the best way to answer your first part would be that men always hold on to feelings. Now do guys admit to be emotional as women [NOPE] but will they ever express in ways that are subtle yes. If a guy finds a woman he wants he will either be an openly tell all guy. Which this is what I like to call "Mr. Open Book". These guys will tell you their life story because they are in touch with their emotions. These men will many times be good partners because they don't have secrets but don't let them in too quick because not all open books are good reads. These men sometimes share because it will make you drop your guard so you become an easier target. Now, the other side to that perspective are the guys who hold on to emotions and don't release them. These men are what I like to call "Poker Players". These men hold all their cards and will not let on what they are holding. They could be holding a bad relationship and keeping their guard up to not get hurt again or they could be holding on to nothing but want you to think they have something to drag you in for an easier target. Now in between are your good guys who are probably close to what your talking about in that they are afraid to share because of past relationship issues. He will hang on to this until he can find that you are equally willing to be hurt in a relationship. He does not want to throw in his all because he can not take another failed relationship. With him I would suggest finding small things to open up about in your relationship and in your past relationship(s). This will allow him to find a common ground and will give him the ability to empathize about your situation and share his own stories. No one likes rejection from another person but if both people are guarded and will not be the first to let down their guard and be open you will never get anywhere with your budding seed of relationship.

To your next point about "testing the waters" I would say as along as your willing. If your committed and he is not do not allow that to stop you from exploring other options (depending how committed you are of course). No one wants to feel the pain of being strung along with the end results the other person walks away with someone else. Discuss where you are and where you want to be with your partner. If they can't give a solid statement or a genuine response then it could be a sign of something is wrong. It could be that the person does not want to commit because they do not think you are truly all in for the relationship. The other side to this is they do not have any intention to commit because they are not ready for something long term. These guys most time will talk around the subject or avoid it all together because they will say things like "Why ruin something that isn't broken" or "I'm too young to commit" which neither are true. I say take what you can bare but not end up losing who you are as a woman or allow it to effect you in meeting the right person.

Well I hope this answers your questions. Thank you again for submitting your question I have enjoyed thinking and writing notes to answer the questions. For anyone who had a subject or question to bring up please feel free to email me.

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"Real Love is not a story because it has a beginning, a middle, but No End...."
DeAndre Littles

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