Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Love, Friendship, and Maybe Some Sex

Today I wanted to speak to a universal rule that many of have forgotten or never new. So here is the biggest secret to having a good relationship..... BE REAL FRIENDS FIRST. Wow, is it really that simple? Yes, honestly it is for everyone in the world to start as friends and find love in between. Imagine yourself staring off into the distance at a local club, bar, bookstore, or coffee shop etc. and you see this really attractive person. Do you walk over and A. Ask to have sex  B. Offer to purchase something for them C. Choose your best pick up line and go for it or D. State something you notice about them and bring up a conversation like your talking to any one of your friends. Answer is E. All the above. Surprised? Well guess what I'm not here to tell you exactly how  you will approach another person or what type of relationship you are seeking. What I am here for is to talk about love and building meaningful relationships. If you using answer (A.) then this might not be the story you want to read. Oh yeah there goes your sex part. So if you were expecting more then you can stop reading because we will get into some honesty in a moment. If you are ready for some honest information keep reading it gets even better. Now lets talk about the whole point of this and that's being friends and finding love.

What do you call someone you talk to on a regular basis and helps you when you need it. Hmmmm.... sounds like someone I might call a friend but of course we all have our own definitions so if my definition didn't work for you here is Webster's :

1friend

noun \╦łfrend\
: a person who you like and enjoy being with
: a person who helps or supports someone or something

 
So what ever your definition just write it down. No seriously stop reading this for a few seconds and jot down what you believe is a true friend make sure you are honest. Don't worry I will wait................................ Alright now at this point you have all that written down all your wonderful points of how you see your ideal friend. Now lets have some more fun and write down the points of what you want in your soul mate. Yes, write down all the little details in what you want in that perfect person. Now while writing this you can be vain or shy or coy just however you feel be as honest as you were the first time when writing about a friend. So again take your time and I will wait................... Great now that your done lets compare the two lists. So with the notes about a friend you have written down a focus on the inner working of that person and how you want them to treat you. For most people you probably didn't describe the physical. If you did that's ok maybe you are just as picky about your relationships even when you are not dating the person. Now lets look at the notes of what you wrote down for the soul mate. There are probably some inner working pieces and may even have a few words from your friend notes. The difference is you probably use descriptive words that look at the physical nature of the person. Describing exactly how you want to please your eyes. There is a distinctive difference between the two list. One list you described out the majority of things that will never fade in a person and that's the inner working of that person. Who we are we will always be in life. No matter the environment we don't truly change because that's just who we are in life. The other list that we created listed off many things that will fade and be gone in time.... Your probably thinking where is this going at this point. Well, the point is why don't we focus on the list of things that don't fade and that is the characteristics of a friend. If we build our relationships first on what we learn about a person and learn what we want in a friend we will have better relationships. Think about it... how many bf/gf have you had in your lifetime I bet your friends know.... why because they have been there through all of those good/bad relationships. Now I understand beauty does matter because if you can not stand the sight of the person that might not work out overall with that person but sometimes you must look past the cover that doesn't appeal to us and find the real story inside. Now for the other part many of you are wondering in your mind.... Well, how do I not get stuck in the "friend zone"?
 
So lets first tackle what do I mean by "friend zone". So this friend zone is the area where you become engulfed with a friendship that you no longer wish to risk losing that friendship or you look at the person as not "your type". So, how do we avoid this often considered negative zone. Well first be open with a person and honest with that person. If you like someone, guess what it is actually ok for you to say you like them but DeAndre I've always been told that is not good to be forward with a person and tell them you like them. Here is a news flash for those who are stuck in Middle School and are probably still "pulling girls hair" to get their attention or the person who is still waiting for a guy to ask you to Prom. Guess what if your honest and they run for the hills that is probably not the person for you at this point in your life. This world would be a lot better off with a little more honesty from people. So if you tell someone you like them and they run then they saved you the trouble of wasting your time at this point in your life. Say THANK YOU! Honest, just say thank you for not wasting my time now you can say that I know we can focus on the things that matter which is our friendship. Now DeAndre the whole point of this is to avoid the friend zone. You are exactly right! Guess what you can do next... You can walk away from them and never speak again. Wait, how does that help me to build a relationship with a person? Exactly.... it doesn't! When you focus on trying to avoid the friend zone you are focused on the wrong thing. The friend zone is a great comfort zone for people to build real relationships with one another with no pressures of dating officially. Before I was married I got put in the friend zone by a million women. Guess what the one that I married put me there too because she didn't see relationship written all over my face. She saw this guy would like to get in my pants and make a run for it. She may have been right at that time but luckily I grew up and realized my friend was my soul mate. If you are still determined not to be put in the friend zone after all that I wrote here are some tips to avoid the common traps. Know how to command a conversation but doesn't mean do all the talking. What that means is for you is to learn what role better fits. Being someone who has desires for more that just friends. Now this may mean being the listener and learning about their past and what other have done to avoid the friend zone. This also may mean you have to be the talker and get the person involved in the conversation and making the conversation pieces about relationships. If you can master those two things then you have a good chance of avoiding the friend zone. One other thing to try is making the gesture a bf/gf would expect. This means men you need to be a strong gentlemen but with the right touch to it. Women this means acting like a true woman with the right touch.
 
Now to bring all of this together so that it makes sense. The point of the matter is being a friend first is a building block of great relationships. If you can learn to appreciate the friendship then when you become an item you will have a better chance at a successful relationship. Take time to get to know the inner workings because they are the part of the relationship that will carry you through the good and bad times in life. When you had your last up's and down's I bet there were friends waiting to help or had concern for you.
 
So now that I have put out my building blocks to relationships tell me what you think. Do you agree or disagree? Do the points bring up thoughts of successful and failed relationships? Write me and let me know how you feel below with an honest comment. If you have any questions around relationships please send them to dlitt018@gmail.com I'm open to discussing any topics within my blogs and keep information confidential.  
 
 
"Love your friends as you would your soul mate, you might just find out...... they just might be that person"
DeAndre Littles

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